Things You Don’t Hear In A Law Office

In honor of some of the things I hear in the EMS world, I decided to see how they’d translate to the legal profession.

If these new lawyers would spend some time as legal assistants before going straight to law school, they’d understand how the legal system really works, not all that book learning.

  • Lawyers save clients, legal assistants save lawyers.
  • If I work as a paralegal for a few years, can I just apply for transition to attorney and pay the fees?  After all, my attorney has been letting me do attorney work and just making sure I don’t screw it up.
  • Our state has a special kind of paralegal that can do everything a lawyer can do, but they don’t get a full law school education.  They call a senior attorney or a judge if they need to do certain legal skills.  We couldn’t afford lawyers in our community anyway and there’s no law school nearby.
  • My bar exam cut off after two and a half days, did I pass?
  • Lawyer: I’m here to sue your butt, not kiss it.
  • My law school professor said….. (Actually, this might work since law school professors are supposed to be subject matter experts in their field.)
  • Even though the law says no, I’ve seen it work with a jury!

Yet, if you put in the EMS analogies to these statements, you’d see how common they are to EMS. Maybe this is why lawyers are presumed to make “big bucks” and EMS providers don’t “get the respect we deserve.”

My advice for improving EMS?  Let’s police our own profession.  Let’s get rid of the idiots. Let’s improve the minimal standards above and beyond “minimal competence.” And I guarantee the wages and working conditions will improve.  Just ask the nurses that we continually have an inferiority complex with.

So, You Want To Be An EMS Writer?

Everyone wants fame and notoriety.  Some even find it. A few find fortune with that fame. I may not be able to promise fortune, but I can sure tell you the keys to becoming famous by writing another EMS social media clickbait posting. If you just follow my simple steps, you too can be internet famous!

First, you need to say something controversial. Next, throw in some data, preferably about cardiac arrest survival.  Add one glowing reference to some current EMS fad, perhaps community paramedicine or bystander Narcan. You will get bonus points for mentioning a “respected” EMS organization.  Instant credibility will be awarded for mentioning Seattle or King County Medic One or Wake County EMS. (Note: DC Fire/EMS does not count….)

If you’re feeling especially creative and want even more instant credibility, you should be sure to mention The Gathering Of The Eagles.  As we all know, no EMS innovation is complete without it being the subject of a speech or PowerPoint at the Eagles conference.  (In all seriousness, I would again note that the Eagles are the medical directors of some of the largest EMS systems, not necessarily the best EMS systems.)

Here’s a winning example of a great topic guaranteed to get you likes and shares on EMS social media. “EMS Community Paramedics should embark on a pilot program to train police officers and bystanders to administer Narcan in cardiac arrest to boost survival rates. We are looking forward to having Wake County EMS present on the community paramedicine aspect of this program at the next Gathering of the Eagles and King County Medic One has some very promising cardiac arrest survival rates to present as well.”

If none of this works for you, another sure-fire winner is to write about how EMS doesn’t get the respect it deserves, but also say that the educational standards are set too high.

If you get an article like this going, you’ll surely become infamous.  And just like in the movie The Three Amigos, “Infamous is when you’re MORE than famous!”


A Purely Satirical, Fictional Parallel Story

The major law firm of Vincent and Belkins of Houston, Texas has made an announcement that they believe will revolutionize the professional world.

Managing partner Biff Harrington III stated, “We’ve realized that many of our business and personal clients have issues that aren’t solely legal in nature.  We want to be an all-risks professional service organization.  As of May 1, 2017, we’re going to mandate that all new associates become certified public accountants within six months of being hired.  We’ll also be selecting certain current associates and partners to go back and get their accounting degrees in an attempt to become CPAs.”

Harrington continued to say, “We believe that making new associates become CPAs and attorneys will increase their value to their clients and the firm.  There’s a fair amount of overlap between law and accounting, especially in the tax and business arenas.  As such, we’ll make all of our new associates remain CPA/attorneys at least until they make partner — then, they can drop their CPA certification if they wish.”

An unnamed cynical associate reported to the local newspaper that the “all-risks professional service organization” moniker was a cynical attempt for the firm to remain relevant in a world where the need for legal services has diminished. “Between tort reform cutting down the number of so-called ‘frivolous’ lawsuits and the rise of the internet for routine legal forms, the attorneys have a lot less to do these days.  Making new associates become accountants and function as accountants for a few years is nothing but an attempt to maintain some relevance for a big law firm with a bunch of partners not doing a great deal of work.”

Legal ethics Professor Mortimer Winston had grave concerns as well.  “Yes, there are definitely some overlaps between law and accounting, but the two are completely different professions with different scopes, purviews, and even different ethical obligations.  Attorney-client privilege exists in all fifty states while there’s no legal duty for an accountant to maintain confidentiality.  When a client speaks to one of these junior associates, are they speaking to them as an attorney or as an accountant? Additionally, while there have been some tax attorneys who excel as both CPAs and attorneys, many people won’t excel as both attorneys and accountants, not to mention the issues with the degradation of both legal and accounting skills for people who don’t regularly utilize both.  This is a recipe for disaster.”

In reply to Winston’s concerns, Harrington stated, “Dual certification is the wave of the future. This has worked many times before.  Just look at the excellent medical care provided by firefighter-paramedics in the District of Columbia.  If it works in our nation’s capital, it can work here!”

Top Ten EMS Marketing Gimmicks

From our home office in Ladonia, Texas, we bring you the Top 10 EMS marketing gimmicks.  If you’ve ever been to the exhibit hall of an EMS conference  or read the back of any EMS magazine, you’ve probably seen some of these gimmicks in play when it comes to marketing a new product designed to make our lives as medics easier.  For your reading pleasure, I’ve compiled them here.


10. “Complies with AHA standards.”

9. Vague claims that your new EMS product is now “the standard of care.”

8. “When seconds count.”

7. Claim your product is eligible for “homeland security grants.”

6. Work the word “rescue” into the product name – even if it’s a pen.

5. The Star of Life.  Everyplace.

4.  Add webbing to it.

3. Color it black or subdued gray.

2. Call it “tactical” – even if it’s just a disposable bed sheet.  Adds a 15% markup.  Minimum.

1. Flaming skulls.  Never forget the flaming skulls.

Operators are standing by.